A letter to Santa
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an
X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you
remember that on Christmas Day.
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract requirement,
set by you, I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
Now look here, Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you're just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys
and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass; when you get here, I'm taking
my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.
WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
your ass and then walk it dry.
Chew on that, Petunia.
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
That's what I thought, you little bastard.