See this is why I hate flying

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard: PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is? CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus! CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy! PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat! PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too! PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad! CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can! So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all,Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway! As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has at ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!" Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how wide it is?"

Thats a good one petrol hope you dont mid these one"s i put in aswell > Flight Attendant speak All too rarely, Australian airline attendants > > > make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other > > > announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that > > > have been heard or > > > reported: > > > On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the > > > pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and > > > will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to > > > enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." > > > -------------- > > > On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your > > > belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's > > > something we'd like to have." > > > -------------- > > > "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to > > > leave the aircraft." > > > -------------- > > > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice > > > came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" > > > -------------- > > > After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a > > > flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when > > > opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, > > > sure as f*** everything has shifted." > > > -------------- > > > From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To > > > operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull > > > tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know > > > how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public > > > unsupervised." > > > -------------- > > > "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend > > > from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your > > > face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask > > > before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one > > > small child, pick your favourite. > > > ------------- > > > "Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but > > > we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, > > > nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines." > > > -------------- > > > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an > > > emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our > > > compliments." > > > -------------- > > > "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the > > > overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before > > > assisting children or other adults acting like children." > > > -------------- > > > Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The > > > flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite bump, > > > and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't >the > > > airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight > > > attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!" > > > -------------- > > > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We > > > ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the > > > terminal." > > > -------------- > > > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered > > > his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which > > > required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers > > > exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said >that, > > > in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers > > > in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally > > > everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She > > > said,"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the > > > pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we > > > shot down?" > > > -------------- > > > After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came > > > on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. > > > Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt > > > against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning > > > bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way > > > through the wreckage to the terminal." > > > -------------- > > > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank > > > you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the > > > insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal > > > tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas." > > > -------------- > > > A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a > > > comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over >the > > > intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.Welcome > > > to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather > > > ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful > > > flight. Now sit back and relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence > > > followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom > > > and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, > > > but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of > > > coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front >of > > > my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see > > > the back of mine!"

i love the last comment.... pure funny. :yesnod "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" <-----Classic! :lol

Not sure if they are real but i would love to be on a flight when someone said something like that.

I was returning from san antonio to rdu international and the flight attendant came on talking like forrest gump and said "welcome to xyz airlines flight 123. nonstop to yzf. bubba and i would like to thank you for flying with us. lieutenent dan has turned off the fasten your seatbelt sign so feel free to move about!":lol he did different voices the whole flight and when we landed he got an applause from the passengers.