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Old 11-08-2012, 09:16 AM   #1
rexmitchell
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Years best comebacks

Not sure if this is a repost, got these in a an email from my dad. Not really that many but pretty funny.

Quote:
FOUR OF THE YEAR 'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES

Number 1:



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer---did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is

God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

NUMBER 3:

Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?


"Oh, no ma 'am, we don't go there to talk."


NUMBER 4:

(Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.)

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'


Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you

do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'


Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'


Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence)


God bless our troops. There is something about our military that makes other countries listen to reason.
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I'd rather be ass-to-ass with Kirk
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That dude is a walking tampon.
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Old 11-08-2012, 09:38 AM   #2
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1 is good but but 4 is my favorite
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Old 11-08-2012, 09:44 AM   #3
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Classic!
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Old 11-08-2012, 09:48 AM   #4
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#4 is great reminds me of this joke

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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my anus is just swollen.. Shut it!!!
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Old 11-08-2012, 09:51 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by R1nStang View Post
#4 is great reminds me of this joke

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
That's hilarious
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SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM]
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Old 11-08-2012, 09:52 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by R1nStang View Post
#4 is great reminds me of this joke

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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I'd rather be ass-to-ass with Kirk
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That dude is a walking tampon.
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Old 11-08-2012, 10:07 AM   #7
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Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
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Old 11-08-2012, 10:11 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by KMac View Post
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
Bwahahahahaha

Sent from my Rooted S3 fool
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"It is inconceivable that the framers - seeking to provide Americans with a means to resist tyrannical government - would fashion a right that can be exercised only in the context of a militia that is under government control." Robet A. Levy

SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM]
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Old 11-08-2012, 11:15 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KMac View Post
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
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I'd rather be ass-to-ass with Kirk
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That dude is a walking tampon.
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Old 11-08-2012, 12:44 PM   #10
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The mom,,, well, her vijayjay is prolly so dry she squeaks when she walks. PIHB if you get the chance.
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Would they also have to outlaw periods? Ejecting an unfertilized egg every month denies the unfertilized a chance to get on welfare!
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Old 11-08-2012, 02:49 PM   #11
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You pecker head....
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Old 11-08-2012, 03:09 PM   #12
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SR-71 Pilot Shows Off

This is an excerpt from the book Sled Driver.

One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed. ‘Ninety knots,’ ATC replied. A twin Bonanza soon made the same request. ‘One-twenty on the ground,’ was the reply. To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was. ‘Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,’ ATC responded.
The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walter’s mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walter startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace. In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied, ‘Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.’ We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.
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Old 11-08-2012, 03:18 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anubis View Post
SR-71 Pilot Shows Off

This is an excerpt from the book Sled Driver.

One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed. ‘Ninety knots,’ ATC replied. A twin Bonanza soon made the same request. ‘One-twenty on the ground,’ was the reply. To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was. ‘Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,’ ATC responded.
The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walter’s mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walter startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace. In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied, ‘Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.’ We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.
ill need to look that book up
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my anus is just swollen.. Shut it!!!
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:00 PM   #14
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=ajq8eag4Mvc
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:06 PM   #15
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:08 PM   #16
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:08 PM   #17
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"It is inconceivable that the framers - seeking to provide Americans with a means to resist tyrannical government - would fashion a right that can be exercised only in the context of a militia that is under government control." Robet A. Levy

SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM]
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Old 11-08-2012, 09:01 PM   #18
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Awesome #4
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Old 11-09-2012, 01:18 AM   #19
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That's good stuff.
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Old 11-09-2012, 07:46 AM   #20
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Here's something funny a friend emailed me a while ago. Now that I'm a Crew Chief, I love them even more.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers..

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on20ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick..
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode..
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing...
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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