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Old 12-14-2012, 07:17 AM   #381
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Old 12-14-2012, 07:24 AM   #382
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Old 12-14-2012, 07:50 AM   #383
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Old 12-14-2012, 11:44 AM   #384
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Old 12-14-2012, 05:59 PM   #385
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You pecker head....
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Old 12-14-2012, 06:59 PM   #386
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What's long, hard and ****s Polynesians?


Primary School.


It all makes sense now.
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalised on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned"

We've just been interpreting it wrong all this time.




A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years ! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was "Brian" and I played rugby for Wales . . ....'




So Kate Middleton is pregnant..

I thought that it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having kids?





Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boys name at the moment.

We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.





In hindsight, my Facebook post should probably have said "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3" rather than "I've just ****ed a fourteen year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop.




Just bumped into Rolf Harris whilst shopping this morning. I said:

"I remember seeing you doing 'Two Little Boys' in the seventies."

He said: "**** off, that was Jimmy Saville."
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Old 12-14-2012, 07:41 PM   #387
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Quote:
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In hindsight, my Facebook post should probably have said "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3" rather than "I've just ****ed a fourteen year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop.
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Old 12-15-2012, 06:15 AM   #388
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why did anna fall off the swing?

she had no arms





knock knock

whos there?

definitely not anna
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:51 PM   #389
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How do you make a hormone?






You punch her in the stomach
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Old 12-16-2012, 09:45 PM   #390
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How do you make a hormone?
You punch her in the stomach
Boooooo.


Three women are standing in an elevator. They're all pregnant. One of them says, "You know, I read somewhere that you can tell the gender of the child by what position you conceived. We did it missionary, so I'm gonna have a boy."
The other one looks at her and says, "I was on top, so it must be a girl."
The two look at the third, a blonde, and wait for her reply.
She's quiet for a minute and then blurts out, "Oh my God!! I'm having puppies!!!"
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:46 PM   #391
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One Christmas eve I hid and waited up all night, in the hope of seeing Santa Claus.

That's when I found out the truth....




My Dad can suck his own cock.


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Old 12-18-2012, 03:22 PM   #392
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What did santa and michael jackson have in common?

They both dnuck into little boys rooms in the middle of the night to empty their sack . . .
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:22 PM   #393
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Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"****in great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd never get away with that at home!


A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. " "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."


Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"**** off you cunt!" he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.



Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".
The florist looks at him and says, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A **** ", Paddy replies.
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:44 PM   #394
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What's the hardest part of cooking vegetables?

Finding a pot big enough to fit a wheelchair.
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Old 12-22-2012, 08:29 PM   #395
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I love this thread
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Old 12-22-2012, 08:44 PM   #396
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how does moses make his tea,

hebrews it
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Old 12-22-2012, 08:53 PM   #397
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Quote:
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how does moses make his tea,

hebrews it
I thought this was bad taste jokes not bad jokes...

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Old 12-23-2012, 08:03 AM   #398
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Old 12-27-2012, 12:03 AM   #399
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I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning.


There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."


I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.



As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
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Old 12-27-2012, 12:44 AM   #400
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CARBONAR1 View Post
I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning.


There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."


I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.



As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
this one takes the cake...

Sol Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a bad accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife!! Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwing with you,....she's dead. What'd you shoot?"
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