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Old 01-06-2013, 09:25 PM   #421
greenstreak9205
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Quit shaking your head, you're creating a draft!

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Old 01-06-2013, 09:43 PM   #422
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How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?




You nail its other hand to the ground

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Old 01-06-2013, 09:46 PM   #423
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How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender!








How do you get them out again?









With tortilla chips!!!

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Old 01-06-2013, 09:51 PM   #424
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Andrew and Peter Nausbaum were two very clever young brothers who decided to go partners and open an Accountancy business together.

They rented exclusive offices in London.

Andrew thought that the name "Nausbaum" was a bit long, Peter agreed , so they shortened their name to "Naus"

So, on the first day of opening their new offices, Peter and Andrew were really exited.

They hired a loverly young secretery to answer their calls..

The first call came at 10 am.......

The nervious secretery answered the phone....

"can I speak to Mr Naus" the voice said.

" Which Mr Naus would you like to speak to... Mr A Naus or P Naus..?

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Old 01-06-2013, 09:54 PM   #425
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Quit shaking your head, you're creating a draft!

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Old 01-07-2013, 03:45 AM   #426
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Little Johnny walked in on his mother in the shower, looking at her nether regions he points and exclaims "Mummy, mummy whats that?"
Thinking quickly his mother blurts out, "ummm Johnny thats where your dad hit mummy with an Axe"
Little Johnny responds "what a shot, right in the c*nt!!"
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Old 01-07-2013, 05:27 AM   #427
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oz_R1 View Post
Little Johnny walked in on his mother in the shower, looking at her nether regions he points and exclaims "Mummy, mummy whats that?"
Thinking quickly his mother blurts out, "ummm Johnny thats where your dad hit mummy with an Axe"
Little Johnny responds "what a shot, right in the c*nt!!"
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Old 01-07-2013, 06:29 AM   #428
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You pecker head....
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:05 AM   #429
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:47 AM   #430
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Quit shaking your head, you're creating a draft!

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Old 01-07-2013, 11:53 AM   #431
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Whoody whoody woo!

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You pecker head....
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Old 01-07-2013, 12:05 PM   #432
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A letter to Santa

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an
X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you
remember that on Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

~~~~~~~~

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

~~~~~~~~

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract requirement,
set by you, I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

~~~~~~~~

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

~~~~~~~~

Now look here, Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you're just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys
and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass; when you get here, I'm taking
my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.

WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

~~~~~~~~

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
your ass and then walk it dry.

Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

~~~~~~~~

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa
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Old 01-07-2013, 01:50 PM   #433
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Quote:
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whats the difference between santa claus and a jew?

santa claus goes down the chimney
Have you heard about the German microwave?

Seats 12.
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:28 PM   #434
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What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer broke down?

Nothing.
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Old 01-11-2013, 04:28 AM   #435
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?





Just Juan lol

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Old 01-11-2013, 08:13 AM   #436
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A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi are standing on a street corner talking when a 13 year old boy rides by on a bike. The Priest says "Hey let's go screw him!" The Rabbi says "Alright... out of what?"
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Old 01-12-2013, 09:47 PM   #437
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Watching the Packers get destroyed in the play-offs....there's gunna be a lot of women with black eyes tomorrow, i wish i owned a sun glass's store!

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Old 01-12-2013, 10:18 PM   #438
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Quote:
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a catholic priest and a jewish rabbi are standing on a street corner talking when a 13 year old boy rides by on a bike. The priest says "hey let's go screw him!" the rabbi says "alright... Out of what?"
lol
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Old 01-12-2013, 11:51 PM   #439
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Old 01-13-2013, 09:46 PM   #440
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My wife asked if her ass was getting bigger. Using tactful words, "no your ass isn't getting bigger, but during sex, your ass makes my d**k look smaller".
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