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· Unleash the Beast.
180 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I saw this on another forum and thought it was funny as hell!!:D I was ROTFLMAO!!:lol


A teacher asks her class, " If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. He replies, " None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, " The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Johnny says " have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, " Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. " To which Little Johnny replied, " The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking. "

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?"asks the father? The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said " 6 " replies Johnny. But that's right!" "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!" exclaimed Johnny

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, " Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Johnny says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, " No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, " Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go. Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, " You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!! "

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word " beautiful " in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." Very good, Suzie, "replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny? "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,...just fucking beautiful!'"

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

One day little Johnny walks into class all sad, and the teacher asks him why he has such a long face. Little Johnny explains that his uncle was in a bad car accident. The teacher first asks if his uncle will be ok, then asks what happened. Little Johnny explains that after drinking a six pack, his uncle was racing down a dirt road in his old pickup and missed a curve. BUT, little Johnny says, that's not the bad part. After his uncle crashed through the ditch, he was thrown from the truck and landed in a corn field where a corn cob went right up his uncles ass. The teacher is shocked, and all she can say is the correct word is rectum.
Little Johnny replied "Rectum hell, damn near killed him".

· Unleash the Beast.
180 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Another one.

Dictionary for Arguing with Women :fact

1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

· The only thing better than sex
161 Posts
That helped with my boredum for a little bit, thanks. here's one more johnny!


The teacher was thinking about her lesson that day and knew how bad Johnny's mouth was, and surely he'd try messing it up somehow. So when she got underway, she'd try to pick on everyone else except little johnny.

"The first letter of the alphabet is A." "Can someone give me a word that starts with the letter 'A' and use it in a sentence?" The Teacher asked. Little johnnys had shot up like a rocket, "Oh oh pick me, pick me!" Little Johnny begged. Knowing what he was going to say, the teacher picked someone else. "Susie, how about you!" Susie replied, "Apple, the Apple is red." "Very good Susie." The teacher said. "The next letter is 'B,' can anyone give us an example using the letter 'B'?" Once again, Little Johnny's had shot up, begging to be picked! And once again, the teacher purposely avoided calling on johnny for fear of what he'd say! "How about you Billy?" The teacher asked. Billy glady answerd with, "Ball, the Ball is round." Great job Billy. This continued all the way up until the letter "R" when the teacher couldn't think of any possible curse word that Johnny could use for the letter R, so she asked johnny to give a word for the letter R and to use it in a sentence. Little Johnny relieved to finally get picked boldy says, "Rat, a big f**king rat, with a huge Dick!"
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